Arrant Pedantry

By

You Are Not Dr. Seuss

A couple of weeks ago, Nancy Friedman tweeted a link to an article about Netflix’s forthcoming adaptation of Green Eggs and Ham. And sadly but predictably, whoever wrote the press release about the announcement felt compelled to write in Seussian verse, despite having no idea how to do so.

Here’s the official press release, and here’s the poem—and I use the term loosely—in all its terrible glory:

Issued from Netflix headquarters.
Delivered straight to all reporters.

We’d love to share some happy news
based on the rhymes of Dr. Seuss.
Green Eggs and Ham will become a show
and you’re among the first to know.

In this richly animated production,
a 13-episode introduction,
standoffish inventor (Guy, by name)
and Sam-I-Am of worldwide fame,
embark on a cross-country trip
that tests the limits of their friendship.
As they learn to try new things,
they find out what adventure brings.
Of course they also get to eat
that famous green and tasty treat!

Cindy Holland, VP of Original Content for Netflix
threw her quote into the mix:
“We think this will be a hit
Green Eggs and Ham is a perfect fit
for our growing slate of amazing stories
available exclusively in all Netflix territories.
You can stream it on a phone.
You can stream it on your own.
You can stream it on TV.
You can stream it globally.”

I have to admit that I initially didn’t make it past the beginning of the third verse, though I knew we were in trouble from the first line. The problem is that while it’s pretty easy to make a rhyme, it’s a lot harder to make lines that scan right. To scan in this sense means to show the metrical structure—the patterns of stressed and unstressed syllables in a line. If terms like iambic pentameter make your eyes glaze over, don’t worry about them for now—let’s just look at how you’d stress some of the lines. I’ll show the stresses with all caps.

ISSued from NETflix headQUARTers

In the first line we have a pattern of stress-unstress-unstress. Each group with a stressed syllable is called a foot, and we have three feet in this line. (The last foot is short one unstressed syllable, but this is fine.) The pattern for the first line is DA-da-da DA-da-da DA-da. But notice that the stress on “headquarters” has had to shift; normally you say HEADquarters, but to keep the rhythm even, you have to say headQUARTers instead. This is not terrible, but it’s not a great start.

But the second line doesn’t match up with the first:

deLIVered STRAIGHT to ALL rePORTers

This one starts unstressed rather than stressed and alternates stressed-unstressed for the rest of the line. Alternatively, you could read the first line with this kind of stress (ISSued FROM netFLIX headQUARTers), but that requires shifting the stress on “Netflix” too and stressing the preposition “from”, which is normally unstressed. And even then, the second line still has that extra unstressed syllable at the beginning. The pattern here is da-DA da-DA da-DA da-DA da.

The next stanza sticks more closely to the unstressed-stressed pattern, but again it requires the reader to put the stresses in unusual places. And then there’s an extra unstressed syllable in the third line (green EGGS and HAM will beCOME a SHOW—why not green EGGS and HAM will BE a SHOW?).

The third stanza is more of a wreck. Just say the first line out loud and try to figure out where the stresses are or what the pattern is:

in this RICHly ANimated proDUCtion

The worst line by far, though, has to be the beginning of the fourth stanza:

CINdy HOLland, V(EE)P(EE) of oRIginal CONtent for NETflix

In this line we have two feet with the DA-da pattern, then two back-to-back stresses, then a couple of unstressed syllables, and then a few feet with the DA-da-da pattern.

Surprisingly, though, the poem ends strong, with a metrical pattern straight out of Green Eggs and Ham itself. Compare:

YOU can STREAM it ON a PHONE.

WOULD you EAT them ON a PLANE?

This is obviously where they stopped trying to shoehorn in phrases like “Cindy Holland, VP of Original Content for Netflix” and started following the source material more closely.

The trouble with most people who try to imitate Seuss is that they think poetry is just about the rhyme. (And as a parent of young children, I can tell you that there are an awful lot of children’s book authors who apparently feel compelled to write in verse, despite being terrible at it.) Rhyme is an important part of verse, but rhyme isn’t worth much without the rhythm of well-written lines. Imagine trying to write a song by throwing together a bunch of notes together but not paying any attention to rhythm. It would be a disaster, and no one would want to listen to it.

This isn’t to say that you can’t play around with meter, of course, but it should be deliberate, which means that you have to understand it first. Even Dr. Seuss fudged the meter on occasion, but this was the exception and not the rule. Rhythm shouldn’t be something you accidentally stumble upon from time to time.

You don’t necessarily have to know an anapestic tetrameter from an iambic pentameter to write good verse, but you need to have a good sense of rhythm. Try marking the stresses in each line to see if there’s a consistent pattern. And if you find yourself stumbling or awkwardly stressing certain words as you read the lines aloud, then that’s a good sign that something is wrong.

Dr. Seuss is so revered because he was so good, and it’s not easy to imitate him. So if, you still can’t write good verse despite your best efforts, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. But maybe you should stick to writing press releases.

6 Responses to You Are Not Dr. Seuss

  1. Alma says:

    Seriously disappointed that you didn’t write this write this post in anapestic tetrameter to show us all how it’s REALLY done. Slacking.

    • I briefly considered it, but I know when I’m out of my depth. But consider this your consolation prize:

      To write a good anapest smartly,
      You have to approach it quite artly:
      Watch out for the meter
      And don’t be a cheater,
      Or else you’ll have too many syllables and your rhythm will come out all fartly.

      • Alma says:

        It is true Netflix botched this important release,
        Which I’m sure you’ll agree was a difficult piece.
        The writers at Netflix should study a while
        Before they try using this challenging style.
        The powers that be all approved this despite
        the obvious need for a full-on rewrite:

        We are happy to share some incredible news!
        To all the great fans of a man known as Seuss:
        That Green Eggs and Ham will become its own show!
        And you, our dear readers, are first in the know!

        If Netflix had called me and gave me a day,
        I could have rewritten it all the right way.

        (And now that I’ve flaunted my skillz like a jerk,
        I’d better get back to my actual work.)

  2. Stan Carey says:

    ‘This isn’t to say that you can’t play around with meter, of course, but it should be deliberate, which means that you have to understand it first.’

    Ogden Nash was a master of this, breaking the rules of rhythm (and sometimes rhyme) but doing so in a way that somehow worked – because he had a good ear and knew exactly what he was doing. It’s like a lyric in Victor Wooten’s song about Thelonious Monk: ‘The loneliest Monk / Play the wrong notes right.’ Which is immeasurably better than playing the right notes wrong.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: