Arrant Pedantry

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You Are Not Dr. Seuss

A couple of weeks ago, Nancy Friedman tweeted a link to an article about Netflix’s forthcoming adaptation of Green Eggs and Ham. And sadly but predictably, whoever wrote the press release about the announcement felt compelled to write in Seussian verse, despite having no idea how to do so.

Here’s the official press release, and here’s the poem—and I use the term loosely—in all its terrible glory:

Issued from Netflix headquarters.
Delivered straight to all reporters.

We’d love to share some happy news
based on the rhymes of Dr. Seuss.
Green Eggs and Ham will become a show
and you’re among the first to know.

In this richly animated production,
a 13-episode introduction,
standoffish inventor (Guy, by name)
and Sam-I-Am of worldwide fame,
embark on a cross-country trip
that tests the limits of their friendship.
As they learn to try new things,
they find out what adventure brings.
Of course they also get to eat
that famous green and tasty treat!

Cindy Holland, VP of Original Content for Netflix
threw her quote into the mix:
“We think this will be a hit
Green Eggs and Ham is a perfect fit
for our growing slate of amazing stories
available exclusively in all Netflix territories.
You can stream it on a phone.
You can stream it on your own.
You can stream it on TV.
You can stream it globally.”

I have to admit that I initially didn’t make it past the beginning of the third verse, though I knew we were in trouble from the first line. The problem is that while it’s pretty easy to make a rhyme, it’s a lot harder to make lines that scan right. To scan in this sense means to show the metrical structure—the patterns of stressed and unstressed syllables in a line. If terms like iambic pentameter make your eyes glaze over, don’t worry about them for now—let’s just look at how you’d stress some of the lines. I’ll show the stresses with all caps.

ISSued from NETflix headQUARTers

In the first line we have a pattern of stress-unstress-unstress. Each group with a stressed syllable is called a foot, and we have three feet in this line. (The last foot is short one unstressed syllable, but this is fine.) The pattern for the first line is DA-da-da DA-da-da DA-da. But notice that the stress on “headquarters” has had to shift; normally you say HEADquarters, but to keep the rhythm even, you have to say headQUARTers instead. This is not terrible, but it’s not a great start.

But the second line doesn’t match up with the first:

deLIVered STRAIGHT to ALL rePORTers

This one starts unstressed rather than stressed and alternates stressed-unstressed for the rest of the line. Alternatively, you could read the first line with this kind of stress (ISSued FROM netFLIX headQUARTers), but that requires shifting the stress on “Netflix” too and stressing the preposition “from”, which is normally unstressed. And even then, the second line still has that extra unstressed syllable at the beginning. The pattern here is da-DA da-DA da-DA da-DA da.

The next stanza sticks more closely to the unstressed-stressed pattern, but again it requires the reader to put the stresses in unusual places. And then there’s an extra unstressed syllable in the third line (green EGGS and HAM will beCOME a SHOW—why not green EGGS and HAM will BE a SHOW?).

The third stanza is more of a wreck. Just say the first line out loud and try to figure out where the stresses are or what the pattern is:

in this RICHly ANimated proDUCtion

The worst line by far, though, has to be the beginning of the fourth stanza:

CINdy HOLland, V(EE)P(EE) of oRIginal CONtent for NETflix

In this line we have two feet with the DA-da pattern, then two back-to-back stresses, then a couple of unstressed syllables, and then a few feet with the DA-da-da pattern.

Surprisingly, though, the poem ends strong, with a metrical pattern straight out of Green Eggs and Ham itself. Compare:

YOU can STREAM it ON a PHONE.

WOULD you EAT them ON a PLANE?

This is obviously where they stopped trying to shoehorn in phrases like “Cindy Holland, VP of Original Content for Netflix” and started following the source material more closely.

The trouble with most people who try to imitate Seuss is that they think poetry is just about the rhyme. (And as a parent of young children, I can tell you that there are an awful lot of children’s book authors who apparently feel compelled to write in verse, despite being terrible at it.) Rhyme is an important part of verse, but rhyme isn’t worth much without the rhythm of well-written lines. Imagine trying to write a song by throwing together a bunch of notes together but not paying any attention to rhythm. It would be a disaster, and no one would want to listen to it.

This isn’t to say that you can’t play around with meter, of course, but it should be deliberate, which means that you have to understand it first. Even Dr. Seuss fudged the meter on occasion, but this was the exception and not the rule. Rhythm shouldn’t be something you accidentally stumble upon from time to time.

You don’t necessarily have to know an anapestic tetrameter from an iambic pentameter to write good verse, but you need to have a good sense of rhythm. Try marking the stresses in each line to see if there’s a consistent pattern. And if you find yourself stumbling or awkwardly stressing certain words as you read the lines aloud, then that’s a good sign that something is wrong.

Dr. Seuss is so revered because he was so good, and it’s not easy to imitate him. So if, you still can’t write good verse despite your best efforts, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. But maybe you should stick to writing press releases.

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New Shirts, New Old Posts

Good news, everyone! I have a new T-shirt design inspired by that one movie featuring the popular interlocking brick system.

371130_1002686190_editingisawesomefinal_orig

Head over to the Arrant Pedantry Store to take a look.

I’ve also moved a couple of posts over here from a now-defunct site. When I finished grad school a couple of years ago, my wife and I launched a new site for our freelance editing endeavors, and shortly thereafter I got a full-time job. Though the site is gone, I wanted to keep our blog posts (all two of them) online, so you can now find them here.

Why You Need an Editor (by me)

Accepting and Rejecting Changes in Microsoft Word (by my wife, Ruth)

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Interview at Grammarist

Forgive me if you’ve already seen this, but I was interviewed a couple of weeks ago at Grammarist.com. Find out what got me into language blogging, what my greatest accomplishment in the world of language is, and why you should care more about language. Check it out!

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Sneak Peek: “There Are a Number of Agreement Problems”

Unless you’re a subscriber to Copyediting newsletter, you don’t get the chance to read my “Grammar on the Edge” column. But now you can get a sneak peek of my most recent entry, “There Are a Number of Agreement Problems,” on Copyediting’s website.

You’ll still have to subscribe to get the whole thing, but maybe this will whet your appetite. (And a year’s subscription is only $79.) You’ll also get lots of great content from Erin Brenner, Mark Farrell, Katharine O’Moore-Klopf, and others. Check it out!

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15% Off All T-Shirts

First, I apologize for not blogging in so long. It’s been a crazy summer, complete with a new baby (yay!), a new job (yay!), and moving to a new house (boo!). I’ve got a few posts in the works and hope to have something done soon.

Second, it’s time for another sale! Now through September 2, get 15 percent off all T-shirts in the Arrant Pedantry Store. Just use the code SHIRTS15 at checkout.

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Celebrate T-Shirt Day with 15% Off

T-shirt day is June 21st, and in preparation for the big day, Spreadshirt is offering 15 percent off all t-shirts when you use the coupon code MYSHIRT2014 between now and June 10th. If you met me at the annual conferences of the American Copy Editors Society and liked my shirts, now’s a good chance to get one for yourself. Go check out what’s available in the Arrant Pedantry Store.

And if you’re not the word-nerd-T-shirt-buying type, don’t worry—a new post is coming soon.

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15 Percent Off Shirts

Today through November 24th, you can get 15 percent off all orders at the Arrant Pedantry Store when you use the coupon code WITHLOVE at checkout. It’s a good chance to get the word nerd in your life (or yourself) a little something for Christmas.

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Free Shipping Again

Once again I apologize for not posting anything new lately. I had a crazy summer of freelancing, job hunting, moving, and starting a new job, so I just haven’t had time to write recently. I hope to have something soon. But in the meanwhile, you can enjoy free shipping from the Arrant Pedantry Store when you buy two or more items and use the coupon code FALL2013. The code is good until September 17th.

If you haven’t checked out my store in a while, please take a look. You may have missed some of the newer designs like IPA for the Win and Stet Wars: The Editor Strikes Back. And of course, there are always perennial classics like Word Nerd and Battlestar Grammatica.

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New Posts Elsewhere

I have a couple of new posts up elsewhere: a brief one at Copyediting discussing those dialect maps that are making the rounds and asking whether Americans really talk that differently from each other, and a longer one at Visual Thesaurus (subscription required) discussing the role of copy editors in driving restrictive relative which out of use. Stay tuned, and I’ll try to have something new up here in the next few days.

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Now Launching . . .

My wife and I are launching a freelance editing and design service, Perfect Page Editing & Design, and are looking for clients. Please take a look!